Uplifted

When people are in love, they talk about how they feel about that person; how much that person means to them, how much they love them, how they think about them all the time. Of course, those things are extremely important. But I think more importantly is how that person makes you feel about yourself.

I love Rod, so very much. And I do think about him all the time and he does mean everything to me. But more importantly he makes me feel special, important, sexy, relevant. I have never felt this way about myself before. He makes me feel good about myself, about my life, and about the person who I am. He doesn’t judge me for my decisions, he doesn’t make me feel unworthy because I disagree with him on something. He makes me feel smart and like my opinion matters. He makes me feel like I’m someone who everyone should want to be around, and want to listen to. He makes me feel valid. So many times in my life I have felt like my thoughts weren’t important, or worthy of anyone taking them seriously. Now I feel incredible and I know it’s because of him.

When you are with someone for 4 years who makes you feel unworthy, irrelevant and unimportant, it starts to take a toll on your self-esteem. I had no idea how much of a toll that had taken on my self-esteem until I started feeling good about myself again.

Now I feel like I could stand up to anyone, like I could scream out my feelings without being afraid someone will judge me, like I’m someone who others would be lucky to know. I feel sexy for the first time in my life. Shouldn’t all women feel sexy? I certainly think so! But sadly I never even realized how not sexy I have always felt until I felt sexy. He compliments me all the time and I believe him. He tells me that anyone who ever made me feel anything other than beautiful is crazy. He tells me that everyone should think I’m beautiful because I am. But it’s more than just his words. The way he looks at me says, “I think your beautiful and sexy.” The way he touches me and smiles at me tells me how amazing he thinks I am.

I feel so incredible. I feel beautiful, sexy, important, relevant, special…for the first time in my 32 years. Of course I have had other people compliment me and I certainly have known people who thought I was pretty and smart and important, but I’ve never felt it all at the same time, and to this degree. I had completely given up all hope that a man would ever make me feel those things. Apparently the world wasn’t ready to give up on me though, and I couldn’t be happier about that!

Religion and childfree

In my experience, it seems as though the more religious someone is, the more they believe that everyone should share in the joys of child rearing. Sadly, I have often felt uncomfortable in church because I am truly the only one there who is single and does not have “a family of my own.” I get asked more questions at church than anywhere else about where my husband and children are, or when I will have children.

Recently, I commented on a fellow bloggers Facebook post (Maybe Lady Liz – like her on Facebook!). Apparently, all of my Facebook friends could see that I commented on her Facebook post when I had no idea people could see that. If anyone knows how to change that privacy setting, that would be awesome! Anyway, the post was asking for parents to write in with their reasons for wanting to have children. Maybe Lady Liz reported that she had already gotten a lot of stories about why the childfree had chosen to remain childfree but needed more stories from parents. I commented that maybe she was not getting as many stories from parents because many parents do not consciously make the decision to have children. Many people just grow up assuming they will have children. Then they get married and have kids because that’s what they always knew they would do, not because they put in a lot of thought to it. Anyway, this is what one of my family members posted:

“The Bible commands us to be fruitful and multiply. The reason He told us that is because it completes the life cycle or circle that is part of each life, just as birth and death. Life is perpetuated by birth and completed by that cycle. Most people want children because it makes them feel completed and it gives that sense to one that their life will continue after they are gone. Lastly, there is nothing that can even begin to compare with the emotions and feelings that a mother/father has when that tiny human being is laid in their arms and looks up with eyes that trust every move you make, every word you say and is fully dependent on you for a time. After that comes the challenges of raising a child but also for every challenge there are hundreds of rich rewards. It goes on and on through our grandchildren and great-grandchildren. There is no other feeling like having your children come home and bring grandchildren. I fully believe that God gives us grandchildren to make getting older a joy rather than a hindrance. I also believe that the grandparents are there to teach and demonstrate unconditional love and help guide them to success as adults. There is nothing in the world like being a parent and grandparent. It would take another book to even begin. thanks for the opportunity to share my thoughts on this subject……”

This then caused me to delete all of my family members off my Facebook page and block them so they can no longer see I even have a Facebook page. I don’t mind throwing my business out there (obviously, since I have this blog) but I don’t want others to make me feel guilty or not worthy because of something that I say or do. Especially since I only made a very easy comment about people growing up assuming they will have children rather than really thinking about it. It’s not like I said I think people who have kids are awful people and should be all placed on their own island. I could see someone giving me a speech about that. But was the condescending attitude in her statement really necessary? And the above comment about God giving us grandchildren to make getting older a joy rather than a hindrance; so because I will not have grandchildren I have nothing to look forward to? Getting older will only be a hindrance to me? Does God really want me to have a child when I don’t want one, or to suffer the consequences of the hindrance of getting older? Since the Bible “commands” us to be fruitful and multiply, does that mean that God no longer loves me because I have decided to not have children? What about those who really wanted to have children but are unable to?

I grew up in church. My uncle is a pastor. I have two cousins who also grew up on church (in fact one is the pastor’s daughter) who have also chosen to not have any children. But otherwise, I feel as though religious people judge me more than anyone else. I understand that the Bible says to be fruitful and multiply, but that is certainly not the only thing in the Bible. You cannot focus on one thing and take it at face value. I absolutely believe that God still loves me no matter how many children I choose to have or choose not to have. As long as I’m making the best decision for myself, and not harming anyone along the way, I think God loves me just as much as he loves my friends who are parents.

I don’t want to go back and change several things in this blog, so I’ll say now that what I mean mostly is really conservative religious people. I know there are a lot of churches out there now who are more liberal and probably would be more open to my childfree lifestyle. But I can only speak to what I know and I grew up in a very conservative, Christian church with very conservative, Christian family members.

Settling for selfishness

Last night as we were lying in bed, just about to fall asleep, Rod told me, “I just want to do everything I can to make you happy.” I realized that I have never heard those words from a man before. I also realized that I never thought I would hear those words from a man because I truly did not know that there were unselfish men out there. I honestly believed that all men were selfish and would much prefer to do something for themselves, rather than something for that special someone in their life.

In all of my long-term relationships, the only really nice things that my guy did for me was only because it was convenient for him. If it wasn’t convenient, it wouldn’t get done. The worst was my ex-husband, or at least it seems like that was the worst, maybe because it was the most recent. When I got into an accident and my car was not driveable, do you think he came to help me? He wouldn’t even leave work to go let the dog out so I didn’t worry about her, and he only worked 15 minutes from home. He never went out of his way to do anything for me, and I never believed that he would ever do anything to purposefully make me happy. So why would I put up with that? Well, I didn’t think it got any better. I have always wanted to be with a man who would go out of his way to make me happy, but since I never had that, and rarely even heard my friends tell stories of their guy doing that, I didn’t think there were men out there who would do that.

Over the weekend, Rod brought over a goodie bag of presents he got for my dog. How sweet is that! And he even looked at the ingredients on the treats because he knows that I am a vegetarian and try to eat healthy so he went out of his way to try to find dog treats that fit my personal lifestyle. I love that!

Even though I went through some bad relationships, I feel so blessed right now! Things can turn around so quickly so if you are going through a rough time, you never know when things could brighten! It can happy faster than you think!

Does happily ever after exist?

It’s amazing how much can change in just three months. When I first met Rod three months ago I was very adamant about not wanting a relationship. I told him that I did not want anything serious and that this would just be fun. Heck, I even talked about how I was sure we weren’t right for each other. Then two months later, we realized that we really like each other and decided to officially be a couple. Then, at some point in the last week, I realized that I’m in love with him. How did I let that happen? My intention was never to have a relationship with Rod, but only have some fun with him for a month or two, tops. And despite my couple of negative/funny blog posts about him, he’s actually an incredible man. I have never met anyone like him and had no idea that men like him existed. Our relationship has really been building over the past month and now I’m hooked…and scared…and a bit nervous.

Even though I’m incredibly happy, and cannot help but smile every time I see him or even think about him, I’m terrified all at the same time. Unfortunately, a lot of my feelings about love in general are negative. I often equate love with heart-break, not happiness. I grew up in a home with a mother who was always only hurt by men. My father and mother divorced when I was little and they argued a lot. My mother was remarried when I was 5 and he was a lazy jerk. They divorced when I was 11 and when I was in my mid-teen years, she dated a guy who yelled a lot, and swore at her, and was overall selfish just like the other men she had ever been with. I would often catch her crying over something a man had done. And while it was good that she always taught me that I needed to be able to support myself because there was guarantee a man would take care of me, I think I took it to the extreme because my whole life, I’ve never had a man who would take care of me, even if just for the day. Looking back, I think I was choosing those men on purpose, because I was always afraid to have a man who took care of me. Until recently, I honestly didn’t know that there were men out there who would take care of a woman. And I don’t mean that women can do nothing for themselves and the man has to do everything for her. I mean that when I got a flat tire, Rod came out immediately and helped me, without me asking. When my battery died in my smoke detector, he went out and bought me one, brought it over and put it in for me. Just stupid little things, but to me they were huge because no man has ever done things like that for me. Since I’ve met him and told my friends the nice things he does for me, I am finding out that those are the things that a man should do for a woman he cares about, and even things that a lot of men are already doing. I was really under the impression that most men (and I mean like 95% of them) were selfish and would prefer to never go out of their way to help the person they loved. Apparently, that’s not true. And honestly, I like the fact that he helps me with some of those things. It does make me uncomfortable at times, like I’m asking too much of him, or that I just shouldn’t be letting this happen because what if I get used to it? But ultimately it feels good that he shows me he cares for me in those ways. When he helped me with my tire and I went on and on about how great that was of him, he simply said, “That’s just boyfriend duties.” But you see, I had no idea that was a normal boyfriend duty.

I’ve had two long-term, adult relationships that I had thoughts of spending the rest of my life with him. The first one broke my heart over and over again, and the second one broke my heart over and over again. So I am trying not to be nervous about Rod also breaking my heart, but of course that’s easier said than done. Especially when it is so unexpected. I never thought I would have any feelings for Rod at all. Then when the feelings started, I certainly didn’t think they would turn in to love, at least not so soon. I cried when I realized I was in love with him. Of course, as you may already know, I cry over everything. I am just not sure how to handle being with a man who seems too good to be true. Is it that he isn’t real? Or is it that I’ve just never had a man who was decent before? My friends tell me that some of the things he does for me are not that uncommon, so maybe they are right. My friends feel as though he’s not too good to be true and that I just found a really great guy, which apparently aren’t that impossible to find. But I’m still apprehensive.

He makes me want to be a better person. He makes sure that I know every day (several times throughout the day) how much he cares for me and that he’s thinking of me, he makes me feel special and beautiful, he makes me want to go out of my way to do things to make him happy, he makes me smile more than I ever have, and most importantly he makes me realize that I deserve to be happy, and truly feel happier than I’ve ever felt in my life. And in the end, that can’t be bad, right?

A childfree at a children’s movie…

Cleveland‘s local theater has an event going on where they show old movies on the big screen. It’s a great idea and with a Groupon, my friend and I got 6 tickets for $7.50! The first movie we decided to see was The Muppet Movie. For whatever reason, it never occurred to me that it was a children’s movie. There were 4 of us going total, all childfree and part of the No Kidding group.

When I walked into the theater, I was overwhelmed with the amount of people there in general. I had no idea it would be so crowded, and I don’t do well in large crowds. For anyone who had a Groupon, there was a special line. Once I got in it, I realized that it was obviously more confusing than it be and waited in line for about 10 minutes before it was my turn, with only 2 people in front of me to begin with. When I finally got up to the front of the line, I could tell that the woman behind the counter was unclear about what she was doing. While I was there trying to explain to her what I wanted, there were two children and a mother next to me. The children were pushing me and leaning on me so much that I was falling over. Now keep in mind I was already irritated that I had to wait in line, that I was surrounded by so many people, and that the woman working there was clueless. With all of that, I actually felt like I held it together really well. So when the kids were pushing and leaning on me, I looked at the mother and said, “Excuse me!” She looked at me with a look or scorn. She then looked at her children and said, “Listen honey, this woman here is really cranky so we need to get out of her way.” OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re joking, right?! Your children are pushing me to the point that I can no longer stand up straight, and all I say to that is “excuse me” and you tell your kids that I’m cranky?!?! I could have said a lot worse, but I was trying to remain as calm as possible. I was so taken aback by what she said, and so angry that all I could do was stare at her with my mouth wide open. I knew if I said something, it would be horrible, so I said nothing. A woman behind me said, “Well, your kids were pushing her!” That helped, but I was so angry that I didn’t even thank that woman. SERIOUSLY!! Your children are allowed to lean on me and push me to the point of me almost falling over, but I’m not allowed to comment on it?!?!

AAHHHHH!!! I don’t get it. I hate when people come over and my dog jumps on them. She is super smart and I can teach her anything, but she still has a problem with jumping. But every time she does it, even to me, I tell her “off” and try to train her not to do that; not because I don’t like it, but because I can understand other people not liking it and I don’t want to be rude when I have company over. If my company is uncomfortable with my dog, I will put her outside or in another room. I don’t let her jump on furniture at anyone else’s house, even if they say it’s okay. I don’t let her beg company for food or bed to be petted. But why is it that people think their children can do whatever they want to do, all the time, without anyone ever saying anything about it?

The movie itself was great! Of course I’ve seen it several times before, though not for many years. But it was really hard to concentrate on the movie. We were able to find seats with few people around. However, an hour, yes an HOUR after the movie was scheduled to start, this group of people came in and sat right behind us. Directly behind me was a woman holding a child. The child grabbed my hair several times before I sat up straighter. Then the child started kicking the back of my seat. Since the child was sitting on the woman’s lap, and there were other adults sitting next to the child, I’m sure someone saw the child doing this but do you think any of the adults redirected the child? No, of course not. The child just continued to grab at my hair and kick my seat. Then one of the kids behind us starting crying and screaming. Not once did I hear an adult try to soothe the child. We finally got up and moved to a less child-friendly section but continually heard babies screaming. Why didn’t the parents take the screaming children out of the theater? I can’t understand how someone who doesn’t want children can possibly know more about parenting than people who actually have children.

Sorry for the rant, but I’m still irritated and if I can’t be irritated on my blog, where else can I be irritated?

Ugh…dating!

I hate dating for many, many reasons. But the biggest one is the insecurities it brings out in me (and most women I think, though I might be worse than the average woman). Once you are in a long-term relationship, you start to relax and realize that he loves you for you. But when you are still dating, you worry about whether or not he’ll call, whether he’ll find someone else who he finds more attractive, whether he will like you once he actually gets to know you.

Rod really pissed me off today and since I have a blog and writing always helps, I figured, “Why not!”

His office is in the same building as mine, though he is rarely there. He had to stop in today to drop off some papers and offered to bring me a smoothie when he got in. Super sweet, right? Well, when he got here I went out and met him by the elevators. My friend and co-worker walked by and he stared at her and said, “Is she new?” I said, “No, that’s Sarah.” He said, “Oh, really?” The whole time he was staring at her and made it very obvious that he was checking her out and impressed with the way she looked today. I said, “Okay, nice seeing you!” and just walked away. He was yelling at me to come back but I was angry and wanted him to know that you cannot check out other women, especially my friends, right in front of me!

He called me as soon as I got back to my office and asked me to come back to talk to him. After some thought, I decided to go back out. He claimed that he wasn’t checking her out at all, but I told him that I wasn’t stupid and I know that’s what he was doing (anyone in the entire world would have picked up on him checking her out). He kissed me and then said, “You look comfy today.” Really, you offend me by checking out my friend so blatantly right in front of me, then you tell me I look comfy?!?! Then I went in my office, shut my door and cried. I’m such a girl.

Men are complete idiots!!!! Ugh!!!

It was just yesterday that I was telling my friend Sarah how I was starting to feel some insecurities. I wasn’t feeling attractive enough for Rod. And not because he makes me feel that way, today aside. He typically gives me lots of compliments and obviously enjoys spending time with me. He’s also very affectionate. But lately I just have realized that I have put on some weight and I just haven’t felt very attractive. And I’m not used to dating someone who I find so attractive. I have also started to realize that many other women find him attractive, and I’m not used to dating that guy either. I go through phases with my self-esteem and of course, him hurting my self-esteem today had to come at a time when I’m not feeling confident to begin with.

I get so angry that I let things like that bother me, but self-esteem has always been an issue for me and I suppose it always will be. I see people who are just so confident in themselves, no matter what they look like, and I’m jealous of them. But I am who I am and all I can do is move forward, keep writing and realize that there is more to me than looks.

20-somethings vs. 30-somethings

Sometimes I wonder if it’s just me who thinks there’s a big different between 20-somethings and 30-somethings. But then I hang around with 20-somethings and realize, “No, it’s not just me…GIANT differences!!” I was thinking the other day (I do that all too often) and realized that when you are in your 20s, the majority of your friends are in their 20s. Sure, you have a couple of friends who just turned 30 before you, but for the most part, your friends are between 20 and 29. But when you reach your 30s, your friends range in age from 30 all the way up to 60 (I have some good friends, who are not my parent’s friends, who are in their mid-50s), and rarely do you have friends in their 20s (other than the few stragglers who are just a couple of years younger than you that you have known for years). When I was 25 I wouldn’t have believed that I would be different at 30, but I was. And when I talk to people in their 20s, they don’t believe there is a difference, but I see it – am I alone?

My boyfriend (which seems really strange to say after having a husband – my friend said that there should be a better word for that and I agree) Rod, is 26 and I’m 32. I do notice some differences with how he dates than how men in their 30s date. He still thinks that women want that jerk who acts like a tough guy. I haven’t wanted him since I was 22. But for the most part, when it’s just us, we get along great and I don’t think about the age difference. It’s when I go out with him and his friends that I start noticing how much age matters…

Occasionally when Rod and I go out, I find myself surrounded by people in their 20s (some of them as young as 22). One time I was with him and 2 of his friends. They were talking about all kinds of things that I knew nothing about, so I started to get bored. Rod’s friend B started talking about this girl he recently started seeing. He was describing her personality and job as just being “okay” but then he said, “But she’s hot!” Rod actually gave B a high-five, right in front of me, in the restaurant, as if it was completely natural! It was just the most bizarre thing I have experienced in a really long time. I thought to myself, “Did that just happen? Do guys really high-five each other when they say that they are dating someone who is possibly boring but hot? And in front of a girl the other one is dating?!” I also thought to myself, “No way would a 30-something do that.” Then later we met some more of this friends (all in their 20s) and they talked a lot about getting drunk, going out to bars, more about the hot woman, and many other topics in which made me feel not old, but mature (in a good way). There was no disrespect going on; no one said anything out of the norm, but it had just been a long time since I had found myself with a group of 6 20-somethings, and barely mid-20-somethings at that, that I forgot how far I’d come in just a few years.

I do really very much enjoy my time with Rod. We have a great connection and I’m at the point now that I will be at least mildly broken-hearted (if not fully) if things don’t work out. But I can honestly say that I do not enjoy the company of more than one 20-something at a time! I’m very happy to be in my 30s!!