I have never been a risk-taker. I have always been so worried about the future and how the decisions I make today will affect me tomorrow. Since my marriage started to fall apart (well, in reality it was never really together) I have started to look at life differently. I have always been so careful with my decisions and look where it’s gotten me. I have missed out on a lot of fun in the present because I was so worried about my future, which only resulted in a failed marriage. The fact is that no matter how careful you are, you cannot control or predict the future.
I still think it’s very important to have some money in the bank for a rainy day, to not go mountain climbing or sky diving without correct training and appropriate gear, and to not do drugs (especially ones that you do not know anything about or where they came from! Haha!). But it’s also important to enjoy the moment. If I am not sure how something will turn out in the end, but I know it makes me happy now, I’m going with it. And so far, despite my divorce, I haven’t been this happy in all my life. These past few months, while filled with a lot of stress and anxiety, have also been filled with more fun and enjoyment than I can ever remember having. I have experienced so many things that I never even knew existed, and met so many wonderful people.
I’m actually really proud of the fact that I was able to stand up to my soon-to-be-ex-husband and tell him that I wasn’t happy and that our marriage wasn’t going to work. That was certainly the hardest decision I have ever had to make and the hardest thing I have ever had to tell someone. But I knew in my heart that I would never be happy with him and I knew that I deserved to be happy, and could be happy. He is someone who worries about the future more than me and I knew I didn’t want to live like that anymore.
I have one friend who is in full support of me dating “Rod,” as I am calling him. While very few of my friends have actually told me that they don’t support me, I can tell from what they say that they do not. I completely understand their concern for me. However, why should I end something that makes me happy right now, because it’s possible that down the road it will end badly? Like I said, you cannot predict the future. Maybe it will end badly, and maybe it won’t. But I can assure you that if it ends badly, I’ll survive. I have had heart-break before and I can handle it again. And no matter what, I can confidently state that I’ll be glad I gave it a shot.
He makes me laugh, he gives me something to look forward to, he holds me when I need held, he makes me feel more like myself than I have felt in many years. He also makes me feel special and important, beautiful and sexy, which I haven’t felt for years. What’s wrong with that? It’s so easy to say that you have to be the one to make yourself feel those things. But no matter how important I know I am, and how pretty I think I look on any particular day, there’s nothing like someone else making you feel that way, especially someone who is important to you.
There was an episode of “Sex and the City” where the girls were discussing why this woman was with this man when Charlotte very matter-of-factly said, “Maybe he just makes her laugh.” Sometimes life doesn’t have to be so complicated. Sometimes it can be as simple as surrounding yourself with people who make you laugh. I’m trying to live more like that. I want to be happy in the present because no one knows what the future holds. Right now in my present, I am happy and I will continue doing the things that make me happy, no matter how much people caution me on my decisions. I’m tired of having to explain myself, when it comes to my divorce, dating and my decision to remain childfree. I won’t do it anymore. All I will say now in response to people is, “It makes me happy, so I’m going with it.” And that statement alone makes me happy.