Well, I’m officially divorced! Even though it’s what I wanted, and I’m happy that it happened, it still was an emotional day yesterday. Before I even left to walk down to the courthouse, I started tearing up. I got myself together and got there without crying, as I was walking alone around downtown Cleveland, thankfully! As soon as I walked up the last step to the 3rd floor of the courthouse, I saw my ex walk out of a door. He did speak to me and said that I needed to sign something. After I signed it, I didn’t know what to do because he was sitting right outside, so I just went to the bathroom, in hopes of wasting some time. When I came out, he was already sitting in the courtroom. I went in as well but of course did not sit next to him. At first there was only a couple other people in there so it was incredibly awkward. We weren’t talking or even looking at each other. What should I do? Should I try to make eye contact and smile at him? Should I sit as far away as possible? Should I just pretend like I don’t know him? I ended up pretty much doing the latter, which didn’t help the uncomfortableness.
When the first couple went up and the judge ordered their divorce, I started feeling teary-eyed again. We were called third of fourth and when the judge asked my name, my voice cracked a little because I was upset. When it was about over and she was asking her last question, I got choked up again. I took 1/2 a step out of the courtroom and started crying. I thought it was going to be awful, but I went into the bathroom and cried for less than a minute. Then I felt okay and walked back to work without another tear. In fact, I haven’t cried at all since then.
While I was sitting in the courtroom waiting, I was sitting behind and to the left of my ex, so I could see him perfectly without him seeing me at all. After I was sitting down for a few minutes, I looked at him, trying to see what I once saw in him. However, all I felt was nothing. It was strange. I felt sad that I was getting a divorce, but not at all sad that I was no longer with him. In fact, a strange thought came to my mind, “I’m really happy with Rod.” After I thought that, I smiled. I certainly did not expect to be thinking about Rod that morning at court, but he came to mind nonetheless. It’s just so strange to think how far I’ve come and how much my life has changed in such a short period of time.
But something that concerns me – can I trust my own feelings? I was in love, or at least I thought I was, with my husband. But 2 1/2 years later, I looked at him yesterday and felt nothing at all. I didn’t feel hatred or resentment or love or longing…I felt absolutely nothing. Is that normal? Was I really ever in love with him to begin with? How do I really ever know? I’m starting to wonder if love is even a real thing. I care about Rod, but do I love him? No, not yet at least. But what if one day I feel as though I love him? Can I trust that feeling? How do I know if I’m truly in love, or if in 2 years I’ll feel nothing for him as well?
I’ve always been a bit skeptical of love. I feel as though I’ve been in love four times in my life. Is that normal? Can anyone really be truly in love with four different people in their life (and possibly not be done)? Every time I was in love it felt a little different, and I always guessed that was due to my age and maturing. But is it possible that I was never in love at all? Is it possible that true love doesn’t even exist? It’s not even that I want those questions answered, it’s just that I want to be able to trust my feelings, and I’m not sure I can do that right now.
But living my new way, I’m still going with the flow and trying not to worry about the future too much. I’m still having tons of fun with Rod and I’m enjoying his company every second that I’m with him. That’s enough for me now. But one day I would really like to be able to trust my feelings.