I hate dating for many, many reasons. But the biggest one is the insecurities it brings out in me (and most women I think, though I might be worse than the average woman). Once you are in a long-term relationship, you start to relax and realize that he loves you for you. But when you are still dating, you worry about whether or not he’ll call, whether he’ll find someone else who he finds more attractive, whether he will like you once he actually gets to know you.
Rod really pissed me off today and since I have a blog and writing always helps, I figured, “Why not!”
His office is in the same building as mine, though he is rarely there. He had to stop in today to drop off some papers and offered to bring me a smoothie when he got in. Super sweet, right? Well, when he got here I went out and met him by the elevators. My friend and co-worker walked by and he stared at her and said, “Is she new?” I said, “No, that’s Sarah.” He said, “Oh, really?” The whole time he was staring at her and made it very obvious that he was checking her out and impressed with the way she looked today. I said, “Okay, nice seeing you!” and just walked away. He was yelling at me to come back but I was angry and wanted him to know that you cannot check out other women, especially my friends, right in front of me!
He called me as soon as I got back to my office and asked me to come back to talk to him. After some thought, I decided to go back out. He claimed that he wasn’t checking her out at all, but I told him that I wasn’t stupid and I know that’s what he was doing (anyone in the entire world would have picked up on him checking her out). He kissed me and then said, “You look comfy today.” Really, you offend me by checking out my friend so blatantly right in front of me, then you tell me I look comfy?!?! Then I went in my office, shut my door and cried. I’m such a girl.
Men are complete idiots!!!! Ugh!!!
It was just yesterday that I was telling my friend Sarah how I was starting to feel some insecurities. I wasn’t feeling attractive enough for Rod. And not because he makes me feel that way, today aside. He typically gives me lots of compliments and obviously enjoys spending time with me. He’s also very affectionate. But lately I just have realized that I have put on some weight and I just haven’t felt very attractive. And I’m not used to dating someone who I find so attractive. I have also started to realize that many other women find him attractive, and I’m not used to dating that guy either. I go through phases with my self-esteem and of course, him hurting my self-esteem today had to come at a time when I’m not feeling confident to begin with.
I get so angry that I let things like that bother me, but self-esteem has always been an issue for me and I suppose it always will be. I see people who are just so confident in themselves, no matter what they look like, and I’m jealous of them. But I am who I am and all I can do is move forward, keep writing and realize that there is more to me than looks.