It’s amazing how much can change in just three months. When I first met Rod three months ago I was very adamant about not wanting a relationship. I told him that I did not want anything serious and that this would just be fun. Heck, I even talked about how I was sure we weren’t right for each other. Then two months later, we realized that we really like each other and decided to officially be a couple. Then, at some point in the last week, I realized that I’m in love with him. How did I let that happen? My intention was never to have a relationship with Rod, but only have some fun with him for a month or two, tops. And despite my couple of negative/funny blog posts about him, he’s actually an incredible man. I have never met anyone like him and had no idea that men like him existed. Our relationship has really been building over the past month and now I’m hooked…and scared…and a bit nervous.
Even though I’m incredibly happy, and cannot help but smile every time I see him or even think about him, I’m terrified all at the same time. Unfortunately, a lot of my feelings about love in general are negative. I often equate love with heart-break, not happiness. I grew up in a home with a mother who was always only hurt by men. My father and mother divorced when I was little and they argued a lot. My mother was remarried when I was 5 and he was a lazy jerk. They divorced when I was 11 and when I was in my mid-teen years, she dated a guy who yelled a lot, and swore at her, and was overall selfish just like the other men she had ever been with. I would often catch her crying over something a man had done. And while it was good that she always taught me that I needed to be able to support myself because there was guarantee a man would take care of me, I think I took it to the extreme because my whole life, I’ve never had a man who would take care of me, even if just for the day. Looking back, I think I was choosing those men on purpose, because I was always afraid to have a man who took care of me. Until recently, I honestly didn’t know that there were men out there who would take care of a woman. And I don’t mean that women can do nothing for themselves and the man has to do everything for her. I mean that when I got a flat tire, Rod came out immediately and helped me, without me asking. When my battery died in my smoke detector, he went out and bought me one, brought it over and put it in for me. Just stupid little things, but to me they were huge because no man has ever done things like that for me. Since I’ve met him and told my friends the nice things he does for me, I am finding out that those are the things that a man should do for a woman he cares about, and even things that a lot of men are already doing. I was really under the impression that most men (and I mean like 95% of them) were selfish and would prefer to never go out of their way to help the person they loved. Apparently, that’s not true. And honestly, I like the fact that he helps me with some of those things. It does make me uncomfortable at times, like I’m asking too much of him, or that I just shouldn’t be letting this happen because what if I get used to it? But ultimately it feels good that he shows me he cares for me in those ways. When he helped me with my tire and I went on and on about how great that was of him, he simply said, “That’s just boyfriend duties.” But you see, I had no idea that was a normal boyfriend duty.
I’ve had two long-term, adult relationships that I had thoughts of spending the rest of my life with him. The first one broke my heart over and over again, and the second one broke my heart over and over again. So I am trying not to be nervous about Rod also breaking my heart, but of course that’s easier said than done. Especially when it is so unexpected. I never thought I would have any feelings for Rod at all. Then when the feelings started, I certainly didn’t think they would turn in to love, at least not so soon. I cried when I realized I was in love with him. Of course, as you may already know, I cry over everything. I am just not sure how to handle being with a man who seems too good to be true. Is it that he isn’t real? Or is it that I’ve just never had a man who was decent before? My friends tell me that some of the things he does for me are not that uncommon, so maybe they are right. My friends feel as though he’s not too good to be true and that I just found a really great guy, which apparently aren’t that impossible to find. But I’m still apprehensive.
He makes me want to be a better person. He makes sure that I know every day (several times throughout the day) how much he cares for me and that he’s thinking of me, he makes me feel special and beautiful, he makes me want to go out of my way to do things to make him happy, he makes me smile more than I ever have, and most importantly he makes me realize that I deserve to be happy, and truly feel happier than I’ve ever felt in my life. And in the end, that can’t be bad, right?